I made a resolutions list this year, like I do every year, and it sounded the same in a lot of ways, with a few new little twists now that Darla is on the scene. It included things like: Get Darla in her own room, sleep train Darla, lose the rest of my baby weight, figure out the direction I'd like my photography business to go, drive that vision, drink more water (sad that this has to be a resolution, but true), etc.
You know, the standard work, home, health bit.
But as I sat down to think about my goals this morning, to write them down here, they just didn't feel...mattersome. Please, don't get me wrong, I think that the things I wanted to accomplish this year are important.
In fact, I still plan to expend my energy and time on the above mentioned items. We actually started the new year by buying Darla a crib and FINALLY getting her out of her rock-n-play. We did put her in her own room and we've even sleep trained her. I am currently working, and enjoying being back behind the camera. And slowly, yes slowly, the baby weight is coming off. But, when I wake up in the morning, and think about what is going to fill my day, I often feel somewhat sad. Even when I have such a clear vision. And I realized, that the things I'm focusing on serve me no joy. Honestly, when I think about how much more I need to lose to fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans, my soul dies a little bit. When I visit other photography blogs written by busy moms, and I look at how they run their life AND a business, I mostly just feel overwhelmed. It's surprising to me because it seems so lovely, the way they can do it all. But really, I know what it takes to run a business, and to be a SAHM and I am just life-saddened by the prospect of that level of busyness becoming my day, every day. When I think of Darla, and the light she exudes, I am burdened by the fact that the "schedule" and my level "consistency" so often, without realizing, drive my mothering more than soaking up all that yummy sunshine, and that those things take the priority because they are "goals" with her.
So, what is it? What is missing?
And I know.
My passion is not for this world. And, since I gave my life over to Christ, I'm no longer a citizen here. I am other-worldly. Yet, I forget. It's like I was made to float among the stars and I'm stuck eating Doritos on a schlumpy sectional with a dead Christmas tree to my left and a vacuum cleaner extension to my right. How did I get so...stuck? Why are my goals (the things that drive my actions daily) birthed from this place? This place I'm sitting (you know, the sclumpy sectional)?
How can I be so lost when I've already been....found?
Christ has redeemed my life in a powerful way. And beyond that, He flat won me. I have been fully satisfied. I have had my deepest need as a human, met. So how did I get so distracted by unsatisfying world-things and thoughts?
And I remember.
I had a baby, and I unintentionally forgot my Savior. I gave up and sacrificed my time with Him to sleep and eat and nurse and shower and cry and change diapers and just--everything. Everything I needed to do to survive...in this world. But, I'm other-worldly, remember? It's ok, I forgot too for a while there.
And this saddens me most because I know what it's like to be full of Jesus. I know how it feels to live in peace and calm, even when life is showing it's ugly side. That time with Him...is so valuable, is so satisfying, is so purposeful and is so, so, so warm. I remember the year of death in my life, the year where everything valuable to me died. I had nothing and no one to turn to. I had no one I could trust or love or feel loved by. I had one place to fall. I would wake up at 4 in the morning and curl my skinny little legs into a ball on the carpet. I'd grab a blanket, one that had been stained with months of tears, and I'd wrap it around my hunched frame. I'd open my Bible and begin to read the words, written centuries ago, and that word was living and it would restore me, it would revive my soul and it would bind my wounds. How? Through promises of what's to come and Who is coming for me. Then I'd talk to the greatest love of my life, my Lord, the King Who is to return, the One who swept me off my ever-lovin' feet, and He'd answer me. And during the worst possible days, I had more light in me than I could contain.
And that's what I gave up. I got distracted by the world's sweetest baby. I let His gift replace Him. And completely on accident.
1. No one, no one, gets to fill that time between me and the Lord.
I am a broken, hurting human and I need to talk to my God.
2. I want understand what it takes to love other people.
I know it's letting some things go and forgiving them anyways. I know it's not sharing a secret or not exposing their darkness. I know that it's serving when I'm tired and calling when I'm busy. I know it's praying for them when I just want to pray for myself. I know it's spending money and losing money and always trying to make them feel special. I know it's communicating the good and letting the bad slide. I know that it's sometimes confrontation and drawing boundaries. I know that it's doing the hard thing and the right thing, and sometimes the hard thing is not being right. It's understanding that they are hurting and aren't just mean. It's sympathizing and empathizing when they are wrong. It's apologizing for my part, even if I don't get an apology in return. It's reaching out to them, where they are, and not judging, commenting or condemning them.
And I know that I forget all of this once my feelings are hurt and well, I just want to set loving other people on my mind. So that I don't forget.
3. I want to make Darla laugh every single day.
She's got this laugh, ya'll...it's probably the best noise outside of silence.
4. I want to be a good mommy.
I think this means doing what is best for her at all possible times. Sometimes it's interrupting the schedule for snuggles and sometimes it's holding fast to the schedule even when she's crying.
5. I want to bring my A-game to the wife department.
Things were such an adjustment when Darla was born that it was easy to neglect almost everything else. To this day I struggle maintaining the house, keeping the fridge full, remembering that Hunter wanted me to email that guy for him, etc. I was talking to a friend of mine over New Years and she was talking about this concept. She had said that she didn't want her and her husband to bring 50% each, totaling the 100%, to the marriage and parenting fields. She said she wanted them both to bring their A-game. I knew what that meant for me. And it inspired me. Sometimes we do need to die to ourselves a little bit more. I might be tired, but I'm pretty sure everyone on the planet is tired. So, what can I do around this here house?
And that's it. For now. I don't have responsibility or ministry or focus outside of these things for this stage in my life. I'm a mommy to a tiny little babe and we are still adjusting, every day, and I just want to do it all, every bit of it, with holy company.
This home, my heart, this year, it belongs to the Lord.